Invisible scars: A local woman speaks out

The International Falls woman said the incident, which happened several years ago, was one of many she endured during her more than a decade-long physically and mentally abusive relationship with her child’s father. Even though that time in her life has passed, she says she lives in fear of her ex-boyfriend everyday.

“I never truly feel safe,” she said.

While her kids were in school, the woman spent a Wednesday afternoon sharing her story with The Journal, which has agreed to keep her name confidential to protect her family and future in this community.

Many tears and tissues later, she admitted pouring out the details of such a dark time in her life to a stranger was almost refreshing.

“If I can help someone else get out of a harmful situation, I will do what I can,” she said. “It’s important people know things like this happen right here in this small town.”

The staff at Friends Against Abuse, the local crisis prevention center, agree. To help raise awareness, the agency next Wednesday is bringing back Walk a Mile in Her Shoes — The International Men’s March to Stop Rape, Gender Violence and Sexual Assault. The event is an effort to let people know that men, and women, have a responsibility to seek the tools they need to stop themselves as well as others from violence.

“It is happening right here in our community,” said LeeAnn Meer, executive director of Friends Against Abuse. “I believe that talking about it is the only way to get (domestic violence) to stop.”

The event is set to begin at 4 p.m. at Backus Community Center and include a mile-long walk and free dinner.

In International Falls, Friends Against Abuse has acquired 353 new clients from June 2012 to May 2013, which adds to the 3,800 ongoing contacts, she said.

“That is just in domestic violence,” she said. “In the general crime program, we had 281 new clients and 1,434 ongoing contacts. In sexual assault, we had 29 new victims and 136 ongoing contacts.”

Meer said there are several patterns that lead to domestic violence and stressed that it is learned behavior.

“People are not born abusers,” she said.

Such is the case with the woman who shared her story.

“My dad was very abusive to my mom,” she said. “I remember being sent to my room a lot...I think it was my mom’s way of protecting me.”

Her mother and father divorced when she was 7, and soon the family moved in with her mom’s new boyfriend who would eventually become her stepfather.

“With him, life was better,” she said. “There was more structure. We had rules, we had bedtimes, we were expected to do chores.”

It was when she was 15 that she met her boyfriend through a family member.

“I really wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend,” she said. “To be honest, I was still playing with Barbie dolls.”

Against her parents’ wishes, she began dating the older boy and eventually starting lying to her family in order to spend time with him.

“My parents didn’t like him,” she said. “He was really rude to them. Looking back, I don’t blame them for not liking him.”

The boyfriend began manipulating her by saying her parents were trying to control and ruin her life.

“Eventually, I ended up running away,” she said. “My parents would call the police and they’d come looking for me...Eventually, the cops told them by the time my case goes to court I’d be 18 years old. They pretty much told my parents to let me go – and they did.”

The memory instantly triggers a flow of tears and it takes her several minutes before she can begin reliving the early stages of the abusive relationship.

“I ended up moving in with him and his family,” she finally manages to say. “I cut off all contact with my family.”

When she was 17 years old, she learned she was pregnant. Shortly after, the abuse started.

While he was happy about the pregnancy at first, she says “everything went downhill from there.”

“I don’t really remember the exact first time he beat the crap out of me, but I do remember one of the first times,” she said choking back tears, explaining she couldn’t recall what prompted the beating. “He held a pillow over my face and ripped out my hair after dragging me up the stairs...I didn’t even scream for him to stop. I just remember putting my hands behind my back because it hurt so bad. I don’t remember telling him to stop.”

Following the abuse, she sequestered her bruised body in her bedroom for days, terrified of what people would think if they saw her.

“I was embarrassed,” she said. “I didn’t want anyone to ask my questions.”

As time went on, she would eventually lose the baby more than halfway through the pregnancy as the abuse continued.

“When I went to the hospital (after the miscarriage), I think the nurses saw the bruises on my arm, but they didn’t say anything if they did,” she said.

Meer said society plays a role with generations who suppressed talking about domestic violence, considering it a private matter for families in the home.

“We need to talk about it,” she said of domestic violence. “We need to do something. We can’t ignore what happens behind closed doors.”

In the woman’s case, little was done. She said his family knew about, his friends knew about, but everyone stayed silent.

“Everyone was scared of him,” she said. “Nobody wanted to upset him – they were scared of what he would do.”

As the relationship progressed, she admitted there were good days and the couple had a good time together.

“Sober, he was a lot of fun,” she said. “But it wasn’t very often he was sober.”

Having never experimented with drugs or alcohol herself, she admitted she was naive when it came to understanding how substance abuse could change a person.

“My (biological) father was a drunk, too,” she said, “I guess I maybe thought that was just normal.”

The beatings continued on a regular basis and she said she mustered up the courage to escape the situation several times. Each time, however, ended in him finding her and convincing her things would change.

“They would change for awhile,” she said. “But never for long. I think I was too scared of what he would do to me if I didn’t go back to him.”

Meer said the woman’s situation is common.

“The most dangerous time for people, especially women, is when they leave – that is when most murders occur,” she said.

Through the years, the couple had children together and as they got older, she said they began to understand the harmful situation they were living in.

“My (child) would sleep with clothes on and keep a bag packed in case we had to escape in the middle of the night,” she said. “There were times we would just sleep in the car and hide from (my boyfriend).”

Even after the couple split, the boyfriend would work his way around the legal system to get close to and threaten his family. The woman said she almost always slept with a light on — on the nights she didn’t, he would break down the door.

“There were multiple times I thought he was going to kill me,” she said. “I was always scared. I am still always scared.”

Meer said one of the goals of Friends Against Abuse is to increase domestic violence response so abusers face more accountability.

“We do believe we can put an end to this violence, but we’re nowhere near that point,” she said. “However, Minnesota is on the cutting edge of the response, understanding and training on domestic violence. We are way ahead of the pack, but we have a long way to go. These crimes shouldn’t be happening. When society stands up with the message that (domestic violence) can’t happen and it needs to stop, then is when we’ll start to see an end.”

As she nears the end of reliving her experience, the woman said she has mended the relationship with her parents, her kids are doing well in school, and she said she thinks she is a better person.

Still, even though the physical scars are faded, the emotional distress continues to haunt her.

“I know I’m hard to love,” she said. “I don’t trust anybody. I don’t know if that’ll ever change.”